Hey, this is Sgt. Loser contacting you from the U.S. Army Career Center. My role is to ensure civilians like yourself are aware of the benefits of enlisting in the U.S. Army, and your school district is part of my AOR (Area of Operation). Look, I know it’s been four years since you gave me your phone number in the Norwayne High cafeteria, but I feel like we had a really special thing going on. I just think I might have dropped the ball with all the boring chit-chat about reduced-cost housing and free tax consultation. My numbers haven’t been that great this year and my supervisor’s breathing down my neck, so I figured I’d drop the act and get down to the real shit. You like guns and explosions and fire? We got you covered! You wanna buy a 2018 Camaro or a lifted F-150 with your first paycheck? We got you there too! You wanna get married to someone you met in a church basement two months ago? Say no more! If that shit didn’t give you a massive stiffy, you should know that with an ASVAB score like yours, you could even be a pogue and dodge the whole “shell shock” thing. Forget boarding with Group 6, you belong in Group 1! There’s a reason the United States is the greatest goddamn country on this planet and that reason is us. The military is fucking awesome bro! I can already tell you’d look dope asf in some digicam fatigues. Anyway, let me know if you’re ever in the area and we can grab lunch on me. I’d love to chat about this more over some Little Caesars Crazy Puffs.