“Herm… why, excuse me, madam…” spoke the foul-faced freshman. “I happened to notice this… sticker on your water bottle there, if one could call it that. Indeed, I must say… quite gauche. I could never stoop so low as to virtue signal on my medium of beverage, but I suppose not everyone at this ‘prestigious’ university can be as self-conscious as myself. By the way, what’s your number?”
Meet Jeremy, that fuckass SFS kid in your Public Policy group project. Even if you’ve never recognized Jeremy out in the wild, you know all about him. He proudly dons knockoff Versace glasses, forgets to tuck in his crusty cardigan, and “doesn’t believe” in deodorant. His GPA currently stands at a whopping 1.9, which is somehow also the maximum weight he can lift. He’s not short of exercise though, as Jeremy prefers to walk up stairs four steps at a time to ‘save on energy’. If you ask me, this is a man who desperately needs to get punched in the face.
To better understand this absolute jerkoff, The Heckler reached out to Jeremy’s closest acquaintances for their opinions. We hope that these perspectives will shine a light on this dangerous man, and that you at home – with the freaky little sticker on your water bottle or Mac – can be safe from his wrath.
“Last week, Jeremy came up to me making fun of me for struggling with my NYT Connections during our Ethics class…” quoted Paddington McFaddington, a college sophomore and frequent victim of Jeremy. Mr. McFaddington was crying profusely throughout the entire interview. “He… he told me he ‘didn’t play no games, sucka’ and then he ran out of the room so fast he hit the wall and broke his gay little glasses.”
“Don’t tell me? That little bitch Jeremy?” said Dr. Alicia Tinkleberg, the Public Policy professor who’s done with Jeremy’s shit. “Everything about his passions, personality, and politics shift completely based on who he’s trying to impress at any given moment. I also just perfectly alliterated three “p”-words and I bet you didn’t even fucking notice. Read a fucking book.”
“Hey, yo dawg, I’m like 90% sure he was reading some of that anime hentai crap in class yesterday,” stated Rick Shart, that MSB junior with a backwards Yankee cap. “And I mean like, I totally get that shit, like, really, don’t get me wrong, I get it, been there done that. Just save that shit till you’re home alone with the real Rei and Asuka between your arms, bruh.”
“Come on… when you look past all my glaring red flags, I really am not such a bad guy!” said Jeremy, flailing his hands sporadically in the air like fucking balloons. “I still find your sticker quite pathetic, garish even, Brummagem as they say, but does that reflect badly on me? I donate to my local landlords, cough on essential healthcare workers, and leave my laundry in the dryers overnight. So what exactly is there not to love about me, Jennifer?!”
