Are we really still doing this, people? Listen, soup is alright, but it’s been in the spotlight for way too long. It’s really not all that–at this point, it’s getting a little embarrassing. And you know what else? I didn’t spill French onion soup down my suit and dress shirt on Wednesday night. That’s laughable.

I mean, seriously, could you picture me, tears streaming down my face, soup pouring down my pants and filling up my pockets? Now that’s truly ridiculous… I didn’t even cry when my parents died. Didn’t shed a single tear. I didn’t even go to their funerals. What makes you think I would cry over some soup? Not that it’s necessarily an unreasonable reaction–it’s just something I would never do.

But my point isn’t that I’ve never cried after spilling soup all over myself. It’s not even that I forgot to attend my parents’ funerals. What I’m trying to say is that soup is a childish and, frankly, lame meal. We’re leaving it behind because we’re moving forward.

P.S. Back to the whole ‘soup accident’ thing, I would just like to add: rumors spread because they’re easy to tell and they can prompt very vivid mental imagery. But the thing about rumors is that they’re false. Lies take the elevator, and truth takes the stairs–it’ll get there sooner or later. Fuck soup.