We, the Hecklers, cannot keep our silence any longer. It has been over two full months under the new Editor-in-Chief’s reign, and culture is dying. Since taking office, Duchess Barbara Knittingford of Hartford, CT, has ruined the club, and we Hecklers are here to blow the lid off this thing. 

For starters, she’s a woman, and we all fucking know women can’t read. We’re not even sure what she’s doing behind her desk all day. Coloring? Jerking off? (We also have no idea what a woman does in general). 

Not to mention the lack of quality control. “She’s publishing the worst headlines I’ve seen thus far,” said Associated Press NewsWire, the current managing editor and longest-standing existing member. “Just being around her is enough to stunt the rest of us. It makes us all… unfunny. We collectively have not had a punchline land in weeks. People are booing and walking out of our stand-up sets. Even within the club, there has not even been a single mischievous upturn of the side of the mouth, not a glimpse of the former glory days of smiling.” 

“She broke my boyfriend and me up,” reports another Heckler writer, Adelaide Mornington. “She told him my religion prevents me from dating… I’m literally a beekeeper from LA. Even my bees are fuckin’ atheists, man. I don’t think she even wanted him. I think she just wanted to see us both cry.”  

We are spiraling, and we think it’s also… turning her on? Every time one of us starts crying in our meetings, she promptly announces she has to use the bathroom and returns around two minutes later, panting, legs crossed. 

In the name of honest reporting, we Hecklers knew we must say something. Readers, if you care about the sanctity of our publication, please join us in arms and march to the EiC’s house this Friday with your most automatic weapons. We will NOT be silenced any longer.