Witnesses report seeing Dylan Partner, 22, at the Grassy Knoll at 12:31 this past Friday, November 22, 1963. Reports state he was seemingly calm, lounging with an umbrella under the Texan sun. However, this is where the clarity ends, as conflicting accounts attest he was either skipping and humming away from the scene after the […]

Twenty people. Ten. Five. Fuck. Gavin Toodle (CAS ‘27) is now next in line at Tombs. He’s young for his year—only just turned 19. And he doesn’t even have one of those fuckass rich people Euro fakes that confuse the bouncers. He’s with his best friends, Mark Wafflehome, 20, and Peter Childs, 19. One after […]

“He’s just… bad for our brand,” said Adolf, 56, regarding Kanye West’s recent antisemitic Twitter resurgence. “We’ve spent decades—almost a century!—trying to systemize, strategize, and dehumanize, and then he pulls this shit with a 10-second Super Bowl ad? Fuck that. Talk to me when you can spell Zyklon B.” “It’s not that we didn’t try […]

We, the Hecklers, cannot keep our silence any longer. It has been over two full months under the new Editor-in-Chief’s reign, and culture is dying. Since taking office, Duchess Barbara Knittingford of Hartford, CT, has ruined the club, and we Hecklers are here to blow the lid off this thing.  For starters, she’s a woman, […]

5. Salvador Dali. Thin, elegant, ever so delicate. Some would say his stache was his finest piece of art. Others say there is a tiny elf that is perched on the end of it, whispering hymns and riddles to inspire Dali. 4. Groucho Marx. Angular, geometric, intentional. A man with black grease paint and a […]

Ah, yes, the classic coming-of-age struggle of ridding oneself of all earthly desires in the name of total enlightenment while also trying to bust every now and then. We at the Heckler know the difficulty of balancing one’s Buddhist intentions while looking like an absolute 10/10, so we have compiled a short listicle of 5 […]

Following an anonymous tip on recent campus canine circumstances, Barbara reports on our findings after a protected other Heckler went undercover in the Office of Neighborhood Life: The Office of Neighborhood Life at Georgetown has apparently been working overtime since their Summer ‘24 Census brought troubling news: Jack the Bulldog’s approval rating has plunged since […]

The Heckler was recently contacted by Tyler Whiteface, 23, MSB ‘28, a six-time freshman who has almost passed all his classes this time! Whiteface was eager to provide a column on his impressions of freshman year, as a seasoned professional of the craft. Whiteface, 23, from White Plains, NY, submitted two drafts before submitting the […]

Bad news, guys. You know that girl in the back-left of your IR class? Yeah, she just discovered Adobe Photoshop, and it’s fucking over for everyone. Your entire Instagram feed is about to be aesthetic, pastel-blobs with curly little fonts superimposed on top, describing to you the imminence of the dangers of vaping. Just let […]

This cool guy does many cool things! Here are some cool things that he does that make him cool. 1. He’s read Lolita, “for the language”! 2. He does poppers! 3. He hand-steeps his tea, in a Smeg press! 4. He took one (1) gender studies class, but he already knew all that stuff anyway! […]