When you think of a Papal Audience, the last two words that probably come to mind are “Boy Aquarium.” But last week, Pope Leo, in his worsening English, stumbling through his statement, told us to expect the unexpected.
The Heckler’s initial reaction: “I guess a hockey rink would be pretty funny in the Vatican.” Due to the recent popularity of the Hock-Rom (hockey romance) genre and the current Olympic Games in Milan, young women on TikTok quickly voiced their overwhelming support for the Vatican’s renovation project.
Papa Leo pushed forward, going into great depth to describe the church’s plans for this arena–a happening that seldom takes place at these audiences. His tone grew with vigor as he seemed to unshackle himself from his typical calm and composure; “We have designated a large space for this aquarium, and have filed for the necessary permits, but let this be known: we would have done it anyway.”
When we asked a Cardinal how they would recruit players for their hockey league, he responded, “Hockey? What the hell are you talking about?”
It was when the Pope went on to detail his plans for a 4D Theater and “Sea Pickle Experience” that spectators began scratching their heads. He expounded: “We want this to be a fully immersive experience for our hardworking clergy to relax, under a beautiful, historic ceiling,” he winked, “…we even have a touch tank–a little hole in the wall.”
Pope Leo continued: “If your family would like the honor of participating in a small part of this endeavor, pass your baby to one of my PopeMobile bouncers. We’ll make sure to reserve you a good place in heaven.”
Members of the crowd looked left and right, confused, appalled, elated, you name it. Yet it was quiet. Then a woman’s voice rose from the middle of the crowd: “Take my son, please, he’s seven and terrible at school, but I want him to go to heaven.” The Pope’s glimmering disposition quickly fell to a sharp frown: “Too old, bitch” and already the bouncers were upon her.
It was with a raise of the hand that he settled the chaos and concluded his vow: “If God didn’t want us to have fun, he wouldn’t have invented swimming holes. Lord, smite me down if I speak falsely.” And he stood there, his white garments pristine in the Italian sun, unscathed.
