By Mary Oliver Twist and Tippi Feathers

Despite recent efforts to improve student social libido, many students still hold mixed opinions on new Georgetown President Eduardo Peñalver. 

“Not sure about him,” Richard Pecker (COC ‘28) ejaculated to the Heckler while sporting a semi. “I remember Groves last year—undressing the Copley Lawn? Royal Jacket on Saturdays? Cum. Cum. Cum everywhere.”

“And don’t think that I’m a racist or anything. When I took Race, Power, and Justice and learned about all that systemic stuff? I mean, it was like a faucet or a firehose. Of spunk, that is. And spunk is a lot like splooge.”

Richard paused for a moment, mind adrift, before adding: “Y’all think John Carroll molested anybody?”

Not really, we replied.

“Sorry,” he said. “Peñalver. Well, I mean, I can tell he’s virile. He’s a Tasmanian Diablo in el sack, that’s for sure. I know he fucks. But afuera, he needs to start fucking bureaucratically. I mean, look at the Leavey Bridge.”

Richard pointed to said bridge with his half-chub.

“Not exactly Bonerville, is it? No. Bonerville has bridges. But if we want to make it to Jizzburg, we need a lot more than bridges.”

Like what? we asked.

“Epi’s waffle fries? Hello? I used to nut and nut and nut eating those waffle fries. I think there was even a little buttcum. But now it’s Flaccid Falls in there.”

President Peñalver has announced plans to keep students cumming, ranging from a rigorous fun-for-the-entire-extended-family-grandma-and-all itinerary this Parents’ Weekend to the return of the beloved petting zoo. 

Peñalver has also requested that various student organizations, most prominently Blue and Gray, reintegrate land acknowledgements into their tours to promote student jizzing.

“Excuse me. I haven’t finished,” Robert said, boner growing rapidly. “Precumtown won’t build itself. Think about the children.”

“And the women! I hear it’s Fort Squirt up at Dartmouth. Fort. Squirt.”

President Peñalver declined to comment but has been spotted with seven new mason jars on his desk.