New York City, NY — Americans are increasingly finding love later in life, according to a new study published by a group of aging single researchers. “Needless to say these findings are very exciting for us as researchers and as singles ourselves,” one researcher commented, adding that they would still like to conduct additional research […]

Washington, D.C. – Secretary Betsy DeVos announced today that her ghostwriter will be Eric Carl, the Author of the beloved “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” series. In response to her sudden prominence after being appointed Secretary of Education, now Secretary DeVos has decided to publish a memoir written by her long-time favorite novelist. Devos reported that she […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. – After a rocky season plagued by student protest, surprising defeats, and team issues, Georgetown Men’s Basketball Coach John Thompson III told reporters that, “I could stand in the middle of McDonough Arena and shoot a freshman and the administration would still love me. It’s crazy.” Despite polls suggesting otherwise, Coach Thompson has […]

8 Dream Jobs that You Should Have Started Pursuing Years Ago But Now It’s Too Late College is filled with opportunity. The pursuit of a college education can open doors post-graduation, and if you work hard you might just be able to land your dream job for a successful, fulfilling life. Unfortunately, hard work isn’t […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A petition for the permanent extension of International Women’s Day has been signed by hundreds of chauvinists who wish to make every day a “Day without a Woman”. The petition signers represent a large group of men who are organizing to permanently keep women out of the public and private decision-making spheres. “Someone […]

While we often disagreed in our service as Justices, Antonin Scalia was a good friend of mine and his passing has left a hole in the Supreme Court of the United States. Even worse, his passing has left a hole at shortstop for our SCOTUS Softball Team. Today I plead to the Democrats in Congress: […]

As the weather warms up for Spring 2017, don’t walk but run to your nearest dark web portal to be the first to snap up this year’s hottest new black market kidneys! Whether for a loved one or just as a treat to yourself, we know your latex-gloved fingers have been itching to get a […]

GEORGETOWN – After executing almost two-thirds of a complicated lecture on corrosive inorganic solutions, chemistry professor Dr. Elizabeth Cornwell expressed that she could not quite figure out just how this particular slide got into the powerpoint. Dr. Cornwell did not miss a beat for nearly 45 minutes, touching on each diagram and every word of […]

REISS – Last Monday, a small cohort of sommeliers gathered around a 1968 Elkay EZS8L water fountain on the third floor of the Reiss Science building to examine a recent discovery. “That’s it, that’s certainly proscecco,” chuckled Eduard Torro, a veteran sommelier. “Well obviously we thought this was some big hoax, I mean, some random […]

Don’t believe everything you read on the internet! I was hoping to skip a visit to the doctor’s after noticing some strange symptoms, but WebMD’s diagnosis was laughable! After a few days of probably seasonal periodic blindness, I woke up on Wednesday profusely sweating blood. What a pain, right? Anyways, I wiped my bloody brow […]