FOGGY BOTTOM – The administration of Donald Trump announced Tuesday morning that Marcus Dewalt (SFS ’19), an intern at the State Departments’ Bureau of Administration, had been promoted to Assistant Secretary of State for Public Affairs. “We expect great things of Mr. Dewalt, who has already shown his promise by re-organizing the Bureau’s paper stocks,” […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The group responsible for the frequent public animal sacrifices on the first floor of Reiss has come forward this week to distance themselves from any claims of religious affiliation. Most Hoyas have become accustomed to the wild drumbeats, shooting flames, and not entirely unpleasant lingering smell of barbeque that accompany the rituals which […]

DEMOCRATIC REPULIBC OF CONGO – Despite many competing competitors, the Jungle has again won the title of being the best place to be raised by gorillas. “Every year, we conduct a study with the aim of finding the best possible habitat, surroundings, and geography for a little kid to be taught how to live by […]

Let’s cut the crap. You’re a Georgetown student. You live in DC. Let’s see how much you know about the city in which you reside. Ok we’ll start easy. This should be a no-brainer. This one’s a little tougher but if you’re a true DC denizen you should know this. A little more on the […]

WHITE GRAVENOR – Following guest speaker Randy Botolph’s talk about private sector prisons, student Andrew Cohen (SFS ’19) – better known as that annoying kid who sits in the front row – reported that his question would have two parts. “By the time he had finished reading the needlessly long second part of his question, I […]

GEORGETOWN – Following a surprise victory in student elections this past Thursday, Khan-Fisk and Mack-Andino forces met in a gruesome battle in Sellinger Lounge as the challengers attempted to usurp the noble GUSA throne. “TODAY SHALL BE THE FIRST DAY OF OUR GOD-ORDAINED RULE, LET THESE HALLS RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF THOSE WHO […]

The arrival of the fabled “Fourth Wise Man” occurred at 4:06 AM this morning as a 2006 SAAB 9-2X pulled up at the door of the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem. The wise man, Tony DiRangelo, looked visibly shook. “I knew I was late for something,” he blurted out, seemingly unaware that it was […]

The group of Hare Krishnas which operate off of the corner of Wisconsin Ave and M street announce goal of 75% conversion of the area’s student population by the end of the fiscal year. Their chief marketing officer told the Heckler that the group “remains extremely confident in the market potential of the Georgetown community” […]

HEALY HALL, GEORGETOWN – In a sudden development in the 2017 GUSA election, over 200 emails from a candidate team were leaked late Tuesday night revealing a trail of massive corruption and a set of depressing Friday night plans. The leak exposed multiple messages between the candidates and club leaders pledging GUSA funding in return […]

Given GUSA’s reputation as a platform for self-indulgence and resume building, it is always a great change of pace to have candidates who demonstrate high character and values in the GUSA presidential election, and whose daddies’ lawyers also happen to send very in-depth letters about violations of federal libel law. We have come to see […]