REISS–  Construction on the Northeast Triangle slowed to a crawl this week as workers with Gilbane Construction began their union-mandated study abroad break on Friday.   The workers–whose contract guarantees one hour per day for lunch, overtime, and the ability to spend six months to a year at a foreign university–have reportedly chosen to study […]

TOLEDO — Dozens of students were reportedly “at a loss” after their friend’s former roommate’s mother’s boyfriend changes his Netflix password Thursday morning.   Said boyfriend, Jared Davidson, a 47 year-old salesman from Toledo, reportedly changed the password after noticing that the movie “Leprechaun 5: In the Hood” had been given a 4 star rating. […]

LAUINGER LIBRARY – During a long study session in the university library’s most popular floor on Saturday night, Kat Peterson (COL ’17) reportedly left her MacBook under the watchful eyes of a man wearing a ski mask and holding a pile of laptops “for safe keeping.”   “I had never met him before, but he […]

Time magazine drew criticism recently when it invited readers to vote on words to ban in 2015. Past winners of this annual poll have included “YOLO” and “twerk”, but this year many took umbrage at Time’s decision to include “feminist” on the list. With Time having lost all legitimacy, we at The Heckler feel it […]

WASHINGTON —   Muriel Bowser won the D.C. mayoral race with 54.5% of the vote, doing particularly well in the eastern half of the district and raking in 18,771 votes in precincts with a typical income of less than $50K.   One workingman, however, has expressed major concerns with Bowser.   This citizen has chosen to […]

KENNEDY CENTER – Showcasing a stunning range of modern South Asian fusion and classical dances, Rangila is one of the most popular events on campus each year and draws hundreds of students in signups each year.   Amidst the hoopla of its new location in the Kennedy Center, this year Rangila will feature a record […]

WASHINGTON — Earlier tonight the GUSA Senate narrowly approved a bill to authorize construction of the Keystone and Natty pipelines which will extract crude beer from Canadian tar sands and funnel it directly to New South, the Village A rooftops, and the Jesuit Residence. The bill barely overcame the 20-vote threshold for passage by a […]

In the pursuit of culinary excellence one must take risks. And in the world of culinary risks, one has never felt more threatened than when walking into Quick Pita.   Having walked into pita-shops blackout in numerous countries during my time as a drunk food critic, I have not only eaten, but regurgitated my fair […]