LONDON – Citing each UK male citizen’s “timeless duty to her royal loins,” Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II decreed yesterday that she will reinstate the medieval practice of prima nocta, effective immediately. Prima nocta is a lord’s right to deflower a bride on her wedding night. The practice had disappeared from the United Kingdom by […]
ATHENS – In an effort to earn hard currency for repaying his country’s national debt, Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras has spent the past month moonlighting as a burlesque dancer at an Athens nightclub. Local papers reported Tsipras’ employment at The Randy Satyr, a club in Athens’ seedy Omonia Square neighborhood where the […]
WHITE-GRAVENOR PATIO – Georgetown University President John DeGioia announced today that Professor Valerie Frizzle is the recipient of this year’s Dorothy Brown Award. Named in honor of former provost Dorothy Brown, the prize is awarded annually by vote of the student body to a professor who demonstrates both excellence in teaching and a commitment […]
FOGGY BOTTOM – The State Department indicated that it will be disregarding a distress email it received today, purportedly from a Nigerian presidential candidate. The email, which bears the subject line “Help! Please read and respond,” arrived in the inbox of Secretary of State John Kerry at approximately 3:37 AM. The author alleges to […]
LEAVY CENTER – Citing an “overwhelming feeling of mental anguish,” top prosecutor Dermot Moore (COL ’15) has announced that he will take an indefinite leave of absence from the Georgetown University Mock Trial Team. According to Moore, his conscience is in perpetual conflict with the pretend legal system he has sworn to uphold. Midlands, the […]
WOLFINGTON HALL – The familiar sight of golf carts parked outside Georgetown’s Jesuit residence is nowhere in sight. Instead, these ubiquitous vehicles can now be seen shuttling across campus as part of the Office of Planning and Facilities Management’s latest program, GUber. Like the company after which it is named, GUber is an app-based […]
CAWLEY CAREER CENTER – A networking event held last night with professionals from the international supermodel industry shattered all previous attendance records at Georgetown’s career center. While the career center regularly offers networking events for the medical, legal, and finance industries, as well as the government and nonprofit sectors, last night’s event represented the […]
WISEMILLER’S – After rumors began circulating that it was exploring another bid for GUSA presidency, the popular Wisemiller’s sandwich Chicken Madness announced today that it will not run in the 2015 election. “After careful deliberation and much soul-searching, I have decided that I will not pursue the GUSA presidency again this year,” the former […]
HEALY HALL – Addressing a group of alumni donors today, Georgetown University president Jack DeGioia touted the university’s embrace of diversity, but underlined that it “does not include Kevin.” “When you make a gift to Georgetown, you are supporting an educational mission that embraces people from all walks of life,” DeGioia told the crowd. “Our […]
SANTA’S WORKSHOP – Christmas plans for billions of people around the globe were put in jeopardy yesterday after Russian President Vladimir Putin invaded the North Pole. The precipitating cause of the crisis appears to be Santa Claus’ recent decision to put Putin on the naughty list. “I gave Putin every opportunity to clean up his […]