HEALY HALL — With his hopes that someone would have dropped a hint enlightening him to his position’s responsibilities or duties thus far unfilled, Executive Assistant Vice President of Digital Strategies Craig Bannon told the Heckler that it was “way too late” in the year to ask his supervisor what he is supposed to be […]

M STREET — Citing a desire to “completely overhaul” the image of ShopHouse, management of the chain unveiled a massive rebranding campaign in which the South Asian dining location will now be known as “Asian Chipotle.” With sales lower than anticipated over a month and a half into the school year, the chain reportedly scrapped […]

LAU 2 — To the amazement of those surrounding him, Sophomore Ian Simmons (COL ’17) worked interrupted on a paper for over five consecutive minutes on the second floor of Lauinger Library Tuesday night. Flaunting “inhuman” levels of self-control Simmons reportedly, for six minutes and two seconds, resisted perusing an unlimited amount and variety of […]

ICC 103— More than a month and a half into the new school year, reports have emerged the Junior Mark Caravan (COL ’16) still cannot properly associate the color of his notebooks with what course they represent. Caravan reportedly is unable to correctly identify which of his five notebooks correspond to any of his classes […]

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ICC AUDITORIUM — Twenty minutes after the conclusion of his Wednesday afternoon International Relations course, junior Eric Wong (MSB ’16) was reported to be still sitting in the ICC Auditorium mindlessly scrolling through the internet. Throughout the 75-minute course Wong reportedly looked up from his laptop once only to avoid sneezing on his Macbook Pro’s […]