LEAVEY CENTER — Citing constant malfunctions from their current espresso machine, Uncommon Grounds’ (“UG”) Director of Operations announced that the storefront will soon be using an alternative-fuel device to make students’ coffee. The Rejectionetti, an in-house model developed by the Student’s of Georgetown’s (“The Corp”) Information Technology Department, will be powered solely by rejected applications […]

VILLAGE C WEST — Saying there was “no way” she could hold out any longer against one of the hotter trends among the freshmen class, freshman Sarah Lancaster (COL ’18) decided Tuesday night to acquire an anxiety disorder of her own. Noticing that many of her friends and floor mates had either come to college […]

BROWN HOUSE — Last week when texting friends about weekend plans sophomore Kate Young (MSB ’17) purportedly gave the same response to all who inquired, “I am going to Brown House on Thursday!! Kill me. HOW EMBARRASSING.” Young’s weekend plans took an unexpected turn when the host of her friend’s birthday became unexpectedly available and […]

COPLEY — Citing his experience as “totally eye-opening” sophomore Julian Cartwright (SFS ’17) returned from an hour long study abroad information session about Lyon, France as “a totally different person.” Cartwright attempted to explain to his suite mates about what made the study abroad information session so enlightening, but often struggled to find the words […]

NEW SOUTH — Citing two weeks of fruitless advances on Georgetown’s female population, Freshman Aidan Johnson (MSB ’18) decided to take drastic action to mask his failures from his peers. After failing to entice floor mate Hannah Sanders (COL ’18) to return with him to his room on the fourth floor of New South Saturday […]

VCW RHO — Saying that she “just wanted to make sure” her daughter was doing fine in her first month of school, the mother of freshman Nicki Salzburg (COL ’18) decided to send herself in her first package. Opting against using one of the pre-planned University care packages, Veronica Smoot-Salzburg decided the best way to […]

LXR — While regaling each other with stories of U Street concerts and hallucinogen usage, a small gathering of Georgetown’s self-proclaimed hipsters announced to the Heckler that their social circle had decided to begin following Georgetown’s alcohol policy, ironically. The group explained that “like, literally, no one follows the University’s rules on alcohol. What better […]