HEALY — Following the theft of the iconic but largely symbolic Healy tower clock hands, Amish Student Union President Jacob Hershberger (COL ’16) reported that the group has “completely” lost track of the time. “We were supposed to assemble at 3:30 to build a new barn on Kehoe field, but that plan has fallen apart […]

VERIZON CENTER — Taking note of just how many Hoyas were scrambling to secure tickets for tomorrow’s home game against the #11 Kansas Jayhawks, John Thompson III reported that he was feeling “elated” he had secured a seat a mere few feet from the action.  “Kansas is a great basketball program. As a fan of […]

Why hello there.   It’s nice to see you chap/chap-ette. I’m sorry I haven’t taken the time to talk you directly since the beginning of the year; I’ve been very busy in my ivory tower looking at my ivory collection. Need more proof about my elitism? I just used a semi-colon in that last sentence. […]

MIDWAY AIRPORT — Saying he was “tired” of fighting for the shared armrest with segments of the obese population and geriatrics, Senior Terrance Levine (MSB ’15) told reporters he’s optimistic that this time he would be locked into an endless struggle over a common armrest with an attractive female. “I’ve flown the Chicago-DC flight at least two […]