Presidential hopeful, Beto O’Rourke made a splash in Iowa where he has begun his energized campaign. Garnering a great deal of support after nearly unseating the entrenched and always-clothed Ted Cruz in a highly contested Texas Senate race, Beto kept up the momentum in an exciting Iowa showing. O’Rourke spouted off his unifying rhetoric all […]

During one of Jack the Bulldog’s routine morning walks, he waddled into a fellow bulldog who gave him a sense of foreboding gloom. While exchanging the customary posterior sniffs, Jack realized what was so off-putting. He was smelling the anus of more youthful version of himself. Jack used to feel he was in his prime, […]

GEORGETOWN, DC — Early Thursday morning, veterans of the infamous all-nighter of 2015 gathered to pay their respects to the members of their Macroeconomics midterm study group that did not survive the gruesome night. The ceremony began with a moment of silence and reflection before the survivors, their faces solemn yet stoic, began the ritual […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. In what is being called an unprecedented step in combating sexual assault, Georgetown University officials confirmed Tuesday that the Theater Studies Department will be offering a new course in not exposing one’s self to women while on set. The University’s decision comes amidst a growing number of sexual assault and harassment allegations against […]

KALAMAZOO, MI. Calling it a defining moment in the 7th grader’s life, sources confirmed that Linden Grove Middle School student, Charlie Thompson, had been given a fun new nickname by his friends that makes reference to the 13 year old’s weight. “Originally I had hoped that I would be seen in the group for more […]

Dearest Margaret, my friend of all friends, We have known each other for over three long years now. I fondly recall meeting you in our pro-seminar freshman year and the delicate shared moments that led us down the path towards friendship. I consider you one of my closest comrades, most trusted confidants, and best of […]

HENLE VILLAGE. Sources confirmed that while cheering on the boys at the big game this weekend, Henle residents were abuzz over rumors that the Village Council had approved construction on a new Applebee’s Neighborhood Grill & Bar. “Boy, it’s been a long time since we’ve had a new restaurant open here. But let’s just say […]

Rejoice you lucky son of a gun! Be glad for the battle nearly is won! The next page of your assigned reading has a big, fat picture smack dab in the middle of the page just for fun!   The chances of a page like this coming along are quite small. Some readings don’t even […]

KENNEDY HALL – After coming up empty on each of his first three attempts, sources confirmed that the search for sophomore Ryan Warwick’s keys had reached the final pocket of the history major’s jeans. “I usually keep them in the front-right pocket to counterbalance the weight of my phone in the front-left, so when they […]