HEALY HALL. Sitting in the dim glow of a scythe-shaped candelabra, dripping blood-red wax, Georgetown’s Satanist-in-Resident, Clark “Beelzebub” Davis, twirled his fingers around his “There’s No Place Like Hell!” coffee mug. “I don’t know, there’s just something to it all, isn’t there?” Davis reflected, while two unassuming freshman sat on plush throw cushions on the […]

CAPITOL HILL – Newly elected Louisiana Senator John Kennedy excitedly bounded up the steps of the Capitol Building on his most-recent visit to the Senate chambers. “I certainly know I’m not the most famous John Kennedy who has served in this building!” he laughed to himself as he passed through the heavily oak-paneled doors that […]

Your freshman year friend group, remember them?! There was Sabrina, the silly one. Laurene, the hilarious one. Brendan, the one from Iowa (Cool!) and of course, David, the loveable one. They were so fun, so cool, so chic. But it’s been a few years since you were all on Darnall 4 together, and you’re probably […]

DARNALL  416 – Friends and peers alike have been avidly awaiting the Keith Masterson’s (NHS ’20) first sexual encounter. After almost a full year of posing as an “easy-going, fun-loving dude,” Masterson is ready for the elaborate scheme to pay off. His partner this evening is Marisol Ortega (COL ’20). A beautiful brunette from Bogota […]

HARBIN HALL – Beginning at dawn on Wednesday morning, multiple complains were filed regarding Susann Buxworthy Kentsworth III, heiress to the prestigious Kentsworth’s Packing Peanut fortune. “Alas I have been run afoul one too many times!” declared the tearful Ms. Kentsworth, into a gilded 1889 Victrola phonograph. “I must be better cared for if I […]

REISS – Last Monday, a small cohort of sommeliers gathered around a 1968 Elkay EZS8L water fountain on the third floor of the Reiss Science building to examine a recent discovery. “That’s it, that’s certainly proscecco,” chuckled Eduard Torro, a veteran sommelier. “Well obviously we thought this was some big hoax, I mean, some random […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Chaos broke out on the Senate chamber floor yesterday as the senior senator from South Carolina, Ed Baldwin, removed his mask and jacket only to reveal his true identity: two children in a horse costume. “We just couldn’t believe this could happen right in front of us,” remarked Baldwin’s senate colleague, Olympia […]

The arrival of the fabled “Fourth Wise Man” occurred at 4:06 AM this morning as a 2006 SAAB 9-2X pulled up at the door of the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem. The wise man, Tony DiRangelo, looked visibly shook. “I knew I was late for something,” he blurted out, seemingly unaware that it was […]

CAPITOL HILL – Gridlock continues for a third straight day in the Capitol as senators huddle around Lindsay Graham’s computer hoping to find out their next move. “We have a tight situation,” remarked Virginia Senator, Mark Warner. “We’re here trying to get the business of the nation done, but until Sarah posts her next status […]

GEORGETOWN – In response to the rampant campus outrage following the inauguration of Donald J. Trump, J. Crew has introduced a new line of spring clothing, aptly titled “Activist-chic.” “What we’ve done,” explained J. Crew Georgetown’s chief brand strategist, Jonathan Turner, “was take some familiar clothing items and tailor them to the fashion-conscious, politically-aware college […]