GEORGETOWN, D.C. – After vowing to make affordability a pillar of their administration, GUSA Executives Mack and Andino have finally started bridging the widening economic gap between upper-middle, and upper class students. Not wanting any student with already a moderate amount of wealth to not get the full, height-of-luxury Georgetown experience, GUSA has released discount […]

Is Your Medieval Studies Professor On Sabbatical Or Is He Sealed Inside This Old Mirror? It’s high time section 05 of Medieval Manuscript Cultures 203 knew the truth.   1. When you interrupt your professor in the middle of lecture to say, “Yes, but when are we going to learn about Merlin?” how does he […]

MOSCOW – After some brief meddling in foreign political affairs, Russian Hacker Alexander Nikolov explained that he just wanted to see some cool things happen, and never thought he would distract 300 million Americans from the fact that they live in a broken system. “All I thought was that it would be funny to watch […]

SPRATLY ISLANDS – A new Asia Maritime Transparency Initiative report has some shocking information: Recent satellite images reveal a rad beach party is in the works on newly constructed islands in the South China Sea. Immediately, the international community had concerns. “Do you think I’ll be invited?” asked a bashful Enrique Manalo, the Philippines’ Secretary […]

NEW SOUTH – According to multiple sources, noted campus Republican Jimmy “No Handouts” Irving was spotted taking condoms from Hoyas for Choice. Responding to multiple allegations that Jimmy had brung a girl back to his room, Jimmy claimed, “I don’t really know how it happened, but 20 minutes later she was asking if I had a condom.” […]

OUTER SPACE – Despite numerous, well-choreographed fist fights with henchmen and several tense confrontations in which our Hero naively declared that “good will always prevail,” reports indicate that the green, pulsating ancient relic that is somehow the key piece to Zorg’s plan for world domination has fallen right into his hands. According to our Hero’s […]

NATURE – Well, I suppose we have no choice but to turn our attention yet again to the so-called great outdoors. It looks like some bullshit is happening with the Great Barrier Reef or something. This fucking reef – let me tell you – it crops up in the news each year, and acts like […]