WASHINGTON, D.C. – After a tense, two-hour discussion on a variety of pressing political issues, the venerable Scat Master “Bee Bop” Johnson summarized the proceedings by stating, “Woo doo bop, shoo bop di wop wop zinga zoom baah.” After such a display of eloquence, the conference room in which the discussions were held fell silent […]

THE KITCHEN – In a display of principle and conviction, sources indicate that unless Mom extends TV time until 5:30p.m, 7-year old Bennett Schiffman will hold his breath until he dies. “Frankly, I was shocked” said Bennett’s mother, while fixing him and his friends a nice snack. “I knew he loved TV, but I didn’t […]

Valentine’s Day 2017 is filled with dread for a certain long neglected Georgetown University Work Order, who faces yet another February 14th alone. The disinterest of the facilities department stings the worst during the Valentine’s season, bringing up nostalgia for the bygone days of chivalry when maintenance requests were treated with compassion and respect. We are all reminded of […]

CAPITOL HILL – Gridlock continues for a third straight day in the Capitol as senators huddle around Lindsay Graham’s computer hoping to find out their next move. “We have a tight situation,” remarked Virginia Senator, Mark Warner. “We’re here trying to get the business of the nation done, but until Sarah posts her next status […]

Ever since the Inauguration of Our 45th President, Donald J. Trump, the nation has been shaken by protests against our fairly elected president (yes, liberals, the Electoral College is fair! We are Republic, not a Democracy, so working the system to get our man at the top is legal! Deal with it!).  In particular, the […]

Washington D.C. – Multiple sources are reporting today that 83 year old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has decided to leave the safety of the courthouse and descend the long and icy staircase outside without even using the railing. “Oh god, she’s still got fifty stairs left to go. Even for a young person […]

REBEL CAMP, THE SILVER KINGDOM – As night fell on rebel tents scattered outside the evil empire’s main city, secondary character Borin of Yorkenshire stared wistfully into the fire, silently doubting his chances of survival heading into the following day’s final battle. “Over the past few weeks, our ragtag team of fighters has managed to […]

HEALY – The Philodemic Society, Georgetown’s debating club, announced Tuesday morning its next debate would be Resolved: Yes. “In the grand traditions of our 175 year old society, we gather to consider the eternal question: on the affirmation, yes, and of course, negating: no,” said Evelyn Mayer (COL ‘18), Philodemic’s president. Members of the club […]

VATICAN – In a surprising shift of Vatican attention, Pope Francis announced Thursday that all Catholics must push the United States Federal Government to audit the Federal Reserve System. Citing a “lack of transparency,” the Pope continued to go into detail about how governance must have the trust of the people. “The decisions that the […]