THE BASEMENT, TEXAS – Taunting the unsated appetite of local resident Jared Florder, a pringle stuck at the bottom of its can became ,on Thursday evening, the admittedly fat-fingered man’s “white whale”. “I’ll get her if it’s the last thing my stubby, bulging, sweaty digits can do,” Florder emphasized, after a third attempt at fishing out […]

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Federal Election Commission reports released today revealed that 30% of donations to the Bernie Sanders (I-VT) campaign, totaling $42 million, has been spent on cans of Polar™ Seltzer for the candidate. “Seltzer is terrific,” said the Vermont Senator at a press conference to a young, impassioned crowd of 25,000, “It’s simple, affordable, […]

LINCOLN, NE – President Obama cited the “Goddamn need to do everything around here,” on Thursday morning as he made a brief stop in a cross-country campaign trip to certify passport forms at the Shale Dr. US Post Office in Lincoln, Nebraska. “Friggin Cheryl always files the DS-11s without checking the I-918s,” the President angrily […]

After a year in the Facebook group trenches as a student brand ambassador for Smartify, an app startup “dedicated to creating a global learning environment through innovative multimedia synergies”, John Dunnam (COL ’19) is receiving several offers from top telemarketing firms that are eagerly recruiting students with his skill set. “I give a lot of […]

Citing his failure to drum up any coverage on even local stations with his last three kills, sources are reporting this Thursday that Serial Killer Daniel Morris Timms is really hoping his most recent victim will be hot enough to get the incident onto the evening news. “I really think this could be my big break,” […]

SOHO, NY – Local abstract artist and New York native Elouise Singer made a shocking discovery Wednesday during a long overdue trip to her eye doctor, where she learned that her eyesight was far less than perfect, often blurring images and distorting colors. “I guess I always just thought that I was painting everything the […]

New York, NY – Standup comedian Mitch Hedberg, renowned for his punchy one-liners and unconventional style, reached a huge milestone Tuesday, celebrating his eleventh year in a row as substance-free.   “We’re incredibly proud of Mitch for all his hard work” his wife Lynn Shawcroft told the press. “It isn’t easy battling addiction for as […]

WASHINGTON—Georgetown University Sophomore Natalie Graham (SFS ’18) gleefully opened herself up to a brand new way for just about any local psychopath to brutally murder her last Sunday when she decided to start regularly jogging along the Potomac River. “I just figured I’m more than year into college and I should really start taking care […]

THE HEAVENS – Calling it a rookie mistake, God, the Most High, King of the Heavens and the Earth, told reporters Monday that he was kicking himself for believing that humans could act deferentially towards other humans of different skin colors and ethnicities. “I mean there I was thinking that having a nice variety of […]

LONDON – JK Rowling, the author of the highly successful children’s book series Harry Potter, has revealed that, in the upcoming Harry Potter reboot, Molly Weasley will remain unwavering in her support for the “rightfully Jewish nation of Israel”. In recent years Rowling has gone on to clarify certain parts of her seven-book series that […]