HARBIN HALL, GU – Local idiot James Marshall (COL ‘20) excitedly announced to his roommate this morning that it is Friday. “Thank God It’s Friday!” exclaimed the resident nincompoop before being gently alerted that it was in fact, Thursday. The ignoramus’ brief moment of glee was thus shattered by the stunning news. “Why did I have […]

With the 90-day federal hiring freeze ending soon, the State Department is looking to hire again, now sharing a new job posting for a hardworking, detail oriented fall guy. “We are excited to be seeking new talent for the State Department once again.” State Department spokesperson Mark Toner said in an official statement, “in accordance […]

I can’t blame you for wanting to drift off during surgery. Hell, I can’t count how many times I’ve nearly fallen asleep at the operating table. The sterile room, the fluorescent lights, the warm presence of my colleague Martha, the middle-aged anesthesiologist in her blue mask–it’s the perfect environment in which to drift off to […]

CAMBRIDGE, M.A. – A recent report out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology has concluded that goggles is a funny word when you think about it too much. “Goggles. Gog-gles. Gles, gles, gles. Gog Gog Gog. GAWWWWWWggles,” stated lead researcher Dunston Ferris, “Yup. At a minimum 5 times goggles repeatedly becomes a darn silly word.” […]

HARBIN HALL – Beginning at dawn on Wednesday morning, multiple complains were filed regarding Susann Buxworthy Kentsworth III, heiress to the prestigious Kentsworth’s Packing Peanut fortune. “Alas I have been run afoul one too many times!” declared the tearful Ms. Kentsworth, into a gilded 1889 Victrola phonograph. “I must be better cared for if I […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Reflecting on the changing times and rising costs in a globalizing world, sources report K Street Lobbyist Jack Michaelson fondly remembered when he could bribe a U.S. Senator for just a nickel. “When I was young, my company would give me two dimes and a quarter, I’d go down to the local […]

GEORGETOWN – It is a cold and sobering day for Georgetown athletics. Early this afternoon, unexpecting students received the heartbreaking news that the Georgetown administration, despite extensive efforts, has failed to retain beloved head coach John Thompson III. “This loss comes as a shock to all of us,” explained athletics director John McKenzie, between large gulps […]

GEORGETOWN – After finally taking time off from reading Nietzsche to consider his career path, philosophy major Christopher Peck (COL ’17) has changed his LinkedIn profile to say that he is seeking a position as a Philosopher King. “I’ve been thinking about how to apply my coursework to make the world a more ideal place, and […]