When the Heckler looks at the fine candidates running for GUSA President whether they be Stewards, Second Stewards, or…Stewards draftees we are impressed but still left wanting. Sure they speak grandiloquently about “reform” and “accountability” and “plugging the leaks” but we all know that once elected they’ll become part of the same bland system that only a small minority actually care about. Seriously do you remember the last time you paid any attention to what was going in our student government? The Heckler can’t, and we’re journalists. What GUSA elections need is a sense of excitement and danger; of disregarding logic and embracing the void. That’s why we urge our readers to write in Chicken Madness for GUSA President.

Chicken Madness is a sandwich of the people. You won’t find any fancy avocado or aioli on this hunk of diced Americana. Truly he is a foodstuff of humble origins. His father was the chicken of a coal miner before being bartered for fresh drinking water. He was born, raised, and processed at a meat packing plant off the Delaware Turnpike (America’s chicken and soy-based chicken substitute heartland.) After matriculating to Wisemiller’s Deli as part of their initiative to reach underprivileged young meats (the world-renowned Reach for the Stars, Buy in Bulk program) he worked hard to ingratiate himself with those from all social backgrounds. No matter who was served, from the lunchtime rush of construction workers to the late-night surge of students too drunk to realize the cashier can’t break a hundred, Chicken Madness left them all with a smile and a dangerously high sodium-count. Through it all it has risen to the proud status of Wisemiller’s most popular sandwich and now graciously seeks to give back to the community.

Now sure, we know what you’re thinking: “What about his platform? I’m not voting for a sandwich. Your antipathy towards student engagement in university affairs disgusts me.” To all those concerns we say, first of all, shut your mouth and second, who else has the gumption to present initiatives that will truly reform Georgetown? Chicken Madness’ platform has something for everyone. From greater transparency on financial aid policy to reduced tuition for students slathered in sauce; from expanded SafeRides hours to reeducation camps for vegetarians; from cutting bloated GUSA bureaucracy to mandatory flavor injections. Soon we’ll all be thanking Chicken Madness for his bold and innovative leadership. We at The Heckler can vouch. After a confidential test run of his revised curriculum we all received marks of “Sizzlin’” or higher.

Remember that great feeling of “well, let’s give this a whirl” so many Californians experienced voting for Arnold Schwarzenegger? Now we Hoyas get the same opportunity. (And like the former governor Chicken Madness also spent his youth pumped full of anabolic steroids.) It’s time we look towards the future, hand in hand in bun (just like Chicken Madness likes it) and embrace Him as our savory leader.