As I write this op-ed from the crammed bowels of Locker 594B, my head drenched in piss water from my most recent swirly and my underwear torn from yet another serving of Wedgies By Brad, Fairfax High School Football Hunk®, I find myself looking back on your recent pernicious article and asking, WTF George Washington University?
As an average Georgetown student, I am here to tell you that we are not all nerds like your presumptive article implied. Sure, most of us weigh either under 100 lbs or over 300 lbs and, yes, most of us lost our virginities by masturbating to pixilated breasts on graphing calculators during bathroom breaks taken to escape Phys-Ed, but trust me, we’re cool. Really cool.
I don’t mean to stoop to your level, but I have serious doubts that George Washington students are as cool as us. I mean, what’s your high score on Buck Bumble? What’s your high score on Excitebike 64? What’s your high score on Final Fantasy? Final Fantasy II? Final Fantasy III? Final Fantasy IV? Final Fantasy V? Final Fantasy VI? Final Fantasy VII? Final Fantasy VIII? Final Fantasy IX? Final Fantasy X? Final Fantasy XI? Final Fantasy XII? Final Fantasy XIII? Final Fantasy XIV? Yeah, that’s what I thought, geekboys.
And just to clarify, I am not just writing this because I don’t want you to come here and beat us up. We don’t fear your immense upper body strength, we don’t fear your furious fists that could shatter the earth with one good punch on a fault line, we don’t even fear the fact that we’re all flat footed and can’t run away if you charge us. We don’t fear you… because we are you. Or at least our Wii avatars are you, and most of us have a cousin that vaguely looks like you, and those cousins usually have hot girlfriends that they take in the pool and hoist up by the hips and throw into the air, and they splash around, and they laugh, and their bodies are both great, and here I am in the dead of summer sitting on the rim of the pool with my feet dangling in the water, too embarrassed to take my shirt off, while Mark plays around with a fucking goddess, and I’m too god damn embarrassed to even enjoy my own pool…
Anyway, George Washington, please do some fact checking before posting something so ignorant ever again. Sorry, not sorry.
