DARNALL — Freshman Grace Fields (NHS ’18) issued a statement Monday morning to members of the press saying she “Couldn’t be happier at Georgetown. I love the amazing location, the interesting faculty, and the sexual energy I feel from the hundreds of email listservs I signed up for.”

As she opened her inbox to find over a hundred new emails, Fields let out what could be only be

“I always like to keep a half dozen e-mails or so unread,” said Fields (NHS ’18). “It keeps things spicy.”

described as a sigh of pleasure upon seeing an email about the Philodemic resolution for the week.

Fields confirmed to the Heckler that she was subscribed to such diverse listservs as the Georgetown University Grilling Society, the Kyrgyzstan Students Club, and the Intramural Polo Team, although she denies ever attending a meeting to any of these organizations.

In her statement Fields said, “When I was considering coming to Georgetown, I wasn’t worried about being far from home or being in a new academic environment, but I wasn’t sure I would be getting dozens of marginally important emails each day.”

“Now I’m here, I know it was silly to worry. One time I got 20 emails in an hour. That was a crazy day.”

She described how at GAAP weekend she looked over the shoulder of sophomore Jim Ricketts (SFS ’17) and saw 56 unread emails in his inbox. “It was at that moment that I knew Georgetown was the right place for me.”

When reached for comment on the incident, Ricketts said, “Yeah, she was pretty weird. I was just trying to keep on top of these goddamn emails. She got so excited when she saw the email from the Career Center about resume workshops.”

Fields’ roommate said, “Sometimes Grace will just take her computer into the bathroom and have it play a loud notification each time she gets an email while she takes a long shower, and if that’s not weird, I don’t know what is.”

In a final statement, Fields said she believed, “what happens between a person and their inbox should be a matter of private concern, and I’m happy the university has provided me with such a safe place.”

As she spoke five more emails appeared in her inbox.