PINK HOUSE- Numerous members of the Simga Phi Epsilon fraternity, a body of many of the self-titled “broiest dudes on campus,” have struggled in the recent cold weeks to find ways to apply chapstick in a way that does not look effeminate. “My tanks, bicep curls, Patagonia fleece, they’re all wasted if I look like a bitch putting on my chapstick. And not like wasted in the cool way, like wasted in the… not cool way,” Jake Sanchez (NHS ‘17) stated. To combat being seen pursing their lips like so many willing freshman girls who descend to Pink House every September, SigEp brothers have employed a variety of strategies. “One brother tried putting it on his finger and then on his lips, but it ended up making all of his dips waxy. I know a couple dudes who try and sneak into broom closets or dark alley ways so nobody sees, but no ones figured out like a really chill way yet.” However, attributed to frustrations surrounding the conundrum, local liquor distributors have reported a joint venture between Keystone Light and Carmex to coat the lips of cans with chapstick in a move that could prove as brilliant as the invention of the spork.