VILLAGE A – An insider to the Heckler has reported that environmentally friendly student Michael Barnard (MSB ’15) has been using the same exact tissue to clean up after masturbating for almost four straight years.

 
“I remember arriving in my freshman dorm three and a half years ago, ready to rub one out after the stressful car ride with my parents, and I looked at all of the boxes of tissues my mom had packed for me and thought ‘what a wasteful existence,’” said Barnard, “from that day forward, I decided to make a difference in the world by just repeatedly using one tissue to clean up.”

Barnard’s conservation attempts are an unverifiable record.

“I never really noticed that he was continuously using the same one after each time. He’s kind of a quiet hero in that way. I don’t go through my roommate’s trash to see how many tissues he may have used up that week but it’s clear the earth has no greater friend than Barnard” commented Barnard’s roommate, Chad Nagy (COL ’15).

“The first time it occurred to me that maybe something was up,” Nagy continued, “was one day when I was just picking up some of the clutter around our apartment because we were hosting some friends that night, and I knocked this tissue off his desk into a trash can and Michael just freaked, shoved me away from the trash while yelling something about how fragile the ecosystem was. I was baffled at first, but now I see he’s just leading by example.”

 
“Perhaps I overreacted,” commented Barnard. “But you can’t just throw out the earth and get a new one when it gets dirty can you? Then you shouldn’t be able to do that with a tissue.”

Reportedly, Barnard was so nervous about this interview that he masturbated immediately afterwards and once again heroically saved the world from potential environmental harm by electing to use that tissue again.