The class of 2019.
WHITE-GRAVENOR — In an attempt to create a more intimate campus climate “where everybody knows your name,” Georgetown’s Office of Undergraduate Admissions (GOUA) recently announced that the Class of 2019 will consist solely of the season four starring cast of Cheers.
According to GOUA records, six individuals were admitted to the Class of 2019, plummeting Georgetown’s admissions rate to an unprecedented 0.03%.
“It was an awfully hard decision,” said GOUA chairman Nicholas Colasanto. “But we’re satisfied. Some admitted students include Norm Pet- wait, sorry, George Wendt; Carla Tortelli, the waitress with – hold on, no, we admitted Rhea Perlman, who played Carla Tortelli; and Cliff Calvin, the bar’s know-it-all post- Gah! Am I losing my mind or am I losing my mind? Cliff isn’t real, Coach, he’s a fiction, he’s a goddamn fiction! However, we did admit American actor and entrepreneur John Ratzenberger.
Following GOUA’s release of the prospective Class of 2019’s demographic makeup, many students have expressed concerns over a perceived lack of diversity. President DeGioia addressed these concerns at a press conference Monday.
“Yes, 100% of those admitted are white and over the age of 50, but you’ve got to remember, Cheers takes place in a bar in Boston,” said DeGioia. “Boston is known for being Irish, Ireland is almost 95% white, and only adults go to bars. White and old just makes sense this time around, and the fact that administrators can finally empathize with the incoming class is definitely a plus.”
While administrators consider members of the incoming Class of 2019 to be highly qualified, some accepted students expressed surprise at their acceptance.
“My high school GPA wasn’t that great, but maybe it was harder 54 years ago and they factored that in,” said Ted Danson on his acceptance. “My extracurricular were good though. It was definitely helpful that I starred in Becker. They eat that shit up.”
At press time, GOUA officials were debating the merits of letting the cast of Frasier off the waitlist.
