WASHINGTON D.C.- As a sign of friendship and a warning to anyone thinking about challenging his infallible might, Pope Frances offered the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception seven holy relics of those who dared cross him in a Catholic mass Wednesday. The relics, consisting of two fingers, two skull fragments, a tooth, a rib, and a humerus, allegedly come from various Cardinals and Vatican administrators who tried to stop Pope Francis’ rapid rise to power, all in vain, all for nothing. “To you, the American people, I offer these blessed relics of men who embodied the message of Christ, but ultimately paid the price for their spineless treachery,” said Pope Francis as he pawned off a plastic grocery bag of human remains to an alter boy. “Let us meditate on the selfless sacrifices of Cardinals Nwosu, Dvorak, and Burk and ask ourselves, ‘Was it worth it? Was it really worth it?’ Their message is dead. There is no one left to rebel.” At press time, Pope Francis halted the Pontifical Swiss Guard’s planned assassination of antipope Corrado Donati, claiming that “if you want something done right, you’ve got to do it yourself.”