NEWARK, NJ – In today’s press conference, National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans to implement a long-awaited rule change to finally allow your drunk uncle Ted the option to challenge one call per game.
The new rule states that “Once per game, Theodore Austin, Jr. may make one challenge by screaming loud enough at the television screen.”
To officially make the challenge, Theodore—or as he’s more affectionately known, Ted—must scream at the television, as Goodell demonstrated, something like “You have got to be fucking kidding me!” or “Are you blind, you inbred fuck?” Upon yelling at the television, the referees will immediately review the previous play.
If the original call is upheld, Ted will be charged with completing one household chore, such as bringing the clean laundry upstairs, or, as your Aunt Linda put it, “fetching his own damn beer next time.”
The rule further stipulates that Ted must have consumed a minimum of five beers (eight if they are light beers), but commentators have stated that this will rarely ever be a problem. Shortly following Mr. Goodell’s press conference, Budweiser® executive Chad Stephens proudly announced that Budweiser would be sponsoring Ted. “Don’t any of you worry, America, we at Budweiser® cannot wait to provide the fuel that gives Uncle Ted that taste for justice and equality in this very meaningful sports game.”
So far, it seems that the change has been welcomed by many officials and fans alike. Following the press conference fifteen-season veteran referee Frank McGinnis stated, “Ted provides another set of eyes, with NFL Sunday Ticket from DIRECTV® he can make sure we’re doing our jobs right.”
Some fans have questioned whether or not Uncle Ted’s personal attachment to teams, namely the Philadelphia Eagles or his Yahoo Fantasy Sports’ team “Fuck Tony Romo” might influence his ability to make impartial challenges, but Commissioner Goodell backed up Ted, saying, “Yes, we are giving Ted a lot of responsibility, but I firmly believe in his honesty and commitment to trying to improve the game and make sure we make the right calls.”
When asked about his impartiality, Uncle Ted responded “Fuck the [burp] Cowboys, fucking stupid Texas” before cracking open another cold Budweiser® beer. “So what if I fucking hate those bastards, the refs already make all the calls in their favor, might as well try to even the playing field at least a little bit.”
Commissioner Goodell finished his press conference stating, “There are a lot of drunk uncles out there each Monday, Thursday, and Sunday watching the NFL, but none quite like Ted. His long history of howling at his television set during every game makes me sure that we picked the right guy for the job.”
At press time, Ted had already used his challenge against something the pregame show host said, with which he disagreed strongly.
