FAIRFAX, VA – Fireworks erupted at National Riffle Association (NRA) headquarters late Friday night as the second amendment rights group celebrated its 144th consecutive year without a single deer related death.
In a statement released earlier that same day, NRA President James W. Porter II praised the organization’s more than 5 million members for “neutralizing the furred aggressors for another year” before letting loose a rebel yell and firing off several celebratory rounds from his AR-15 into the night sky.
State records estimate that NRA members gunned down over 6 million deer this year in fields, forests, and Walmart parking lots.
The deer could not be reached for comment.
The year was not without its close calls, however. 8 year old Billy Walters told press how he fell asleep in his backyard one day in late September and awoke to find several deer within 50 yards of his dew covered body.
“If my pop-pop hadn’t came out with his shotgun and killed ‘em all I might not be here no more. He saved my life” confessed a white-faced Walters who was treated at a local hospital after sustaining several injuries to his feet from kicking the dead deer.
It’s crises like these that keep NRA members like Porter on their toes, crises he adds that could have been avoided if children carried guns.
“It’s hard to know when a dangerous member of the deer community might strike” continued Porter. “We must stay vigilant and be sure to keep several firearms on us at all times: don’t matter if we’re in the back country or Wednesday night bible study”.
NRA members are now facing a new enemy however: Washington.
Commented NRA member and self-proclaimed freedom defender Clarence McCall, “I’m afraid for the safety of this country. Getting rid of guns goes against what the Founding Fathers wanted: a safe haven free from the threat of our hoofed adversaries.”
McCall vowed to elect a deer hater in the 2016 election.
Fortunately for the nonprofit, gun sales have spiked despite growing anti-gun sentiments, prompting Porter to declare that “America is the safest it has ever been”.
At press time, three NRA members were being rushed to the hospital after being struck by celebratory gunfire.
