TALLAHASSEE, FL – Citing a lack of respect from their female “BFFs” and the “rapid deterioration of men’s rights”, America’s self-described “Nice Guys” have officially started a boycott of women, unless, you know, they want to go out for dinner tonight. The surprising move reportedly came from the Nice Guys after a long, heated exchange over whether or not Denise Thames’ boyfriend really respects her or not. Sick of being mistreated, the few sensitive, kind gentlemen left in America have firmly decided that “they are sick of their chains”, unless any women want to go out for sushi or a movie.
Boycott-organizer and Denise’s “BFF” of over 13 years Todd Bukowski is confident that his plan will be successful. “Once I have cut Denise off entirely from movie nights, freshly cooked dinners, and late-night massages, I am just sure that she will recognize that she should date me and not some douche who cannot understand how beautiful she is and will undoubtedly not respect her.”
“Of course, if she would rather just go out to dinner tonight—just as ‘friends’—I would be cool with that too, as long as she starts to show me the respect that I deserve.”
When questioned about the boycott, Denise spoke with reporters, saying, “Oh, Todd said that? Weird, I haven’t spoken to him in like, 4 months.”
The aforementioned Chad Kent, whom Bukowski refers to as “Denise’s major d-bag boyfriend who has never respected women for even a day in his life and doesn’t even like to watch all of Denise’s favorite movies with her,” recently spending time with Denise on their 2-month anniversary.
Said Bukowski, “I bet he probably drinks gross mainstream-beer and hung out with all his football-playing-douche friends.” Official reports from fellow Nice Guys show that Chad is “exactly the kind of asshole that Denise deserves, unless she changes her mind and wants to go bowling or something with me tonight”.
Denise’s stupid friend Sharon called out Todd and the other protesters stating, “Who? Oh Todd, right. Well, I’m going to go be with my friend because she’s going through a rough break-up, thanks.”
While those like Sharon view the move as being brazen and excessive, Bukowski does not feel at all discouraged from his campaign for greater representation of the “Nice Guys.”
“One day Denise is going to wakeup and realize that all those jerks don’t treat her right, and I think that might just be today.”
Fellow Men’s Rights activist and avid blogger Timothy Scott came out in support of the boycott, and also offered the take Denise out to dinner tonight if her other plans fall through. “I’d even pay for dinner. But let’s do something fun like a nice Italian restaurant and then a drive around the scenic route of town. Doesn’t that sound great, Denise?”
Despite all these lovely offers from kind gentlemen, says Scott, the “blind, foolish gentlelady Denise just does not get it. She cannot expect to find ‘Mr. Right’ if she only dates loser-jock-douchebags like Chad.”
At press time, Bukowski was seen asking a question on an open Internet forum on how to best “escape the friend-zone”.
