CAPS OFFICE – Citing a desire to streamline their services for paying customers, the Counseling and Psychiatric Services announced the launch of a “Pay-to-Play” plan for priority students. An official statement on their website read they would be offering 24-hour, high quality service for those “who can put the money up right now”.
“At its core, counseling is all about supply and demand,” said CAPS Director, Dr. Phil Meilman. “This decision is an effort to cut off unnecessary responsibilities and to keep CAPS a lean monetary machine.”
CAPS directors presented their new two-tier division of customers at a recent board meeting. CAPS Premium Access™ will be available to select students whose parents’ credit and bank statements meet an certain mark. Other students will be assigned to CAPS If-We-Have-To Access™, which includes two-month wait-times and hurried, annoyed visits to a “counselor in training” for a reduced fee.
With the plan set to be enforced as soon as possible, lower-income students in need of services were confused about their next steps.
“Students unable to sign up for Premium Access™ can still of course continue coming to CAPS, but we recommend they look elsewhere. We still want the best for all Hoyas, so we have compiled a list of counselors and psychiatrists in Bethesda, Alexandria, and Morningside that they could potentially commute to,” continued Dr. Meilman.
President DeGioia commented on the change in an email sent to the entire student body. He reinforced that the move is, at its core, an extension of the university’s fiscally responsible values in the face of a tight budget.
“CAPS has been a repeat offender as a money vacuum, without any boost in our rankings. Year after year, the university invests far too much money, and for what? Happier students? That statistic is not even quantifiable! Besides, let us not forget the promise we made as men and women for others to do whatever we can to restore the African mahogany chairs in my office,” said DeGioia.
In other news, the Board of Regents will be hearing a proposal later this month to replace the Center for Social Justice with a dedicated and progressive consulting firm, which will give advice on reducing complaints from the student body while still cutting unwanted costs and employees.