WASHINGTON—Georgetown University Sophomore Natalie Graham (SFS ’18) gleefully opened herself up to a brand new way for just about any local psychopath to brutally murder her last Sunday when she decided to start regularly jogging along the Potomac River. “I just figured I’m more than year into college and I should really start taking care of myself like a real adult,” explained the newly and unwittingly vulnerable Graham. Researchers at George Washington University estimate that Graham’s new healthy lifestyle increases her chance of an untimely death from 0.001% to a staggering 1,987%. “We have no idea what would bring a seemingly bright young woman to make such a naïvely grave decision,” remarked the researchers. “Yates is always so crowded and it just seemed I should take full advantage of the beautiful D.C. spring weather!” explained the most likely future pile of chopped up limbs in the back of a local serial killer’s 1992 Honda Accord. At press time, Graham also obliviously expressed that she had no doubt that she would receive equal pay for equal work after graduation.