FLYNN PARK MIDDLE SCHOOL – A schoolwide surge of hope was decisively crushed Wednesday when sources revealed that Evan J., despite attending a regional summer camp dedicated exclusively to the subject, was still woefully unprepared for his 7th Grade Earth Science class. “I would never have sent him if I had thought, for even a second, that it was possible that he still be this stupid when he came back” said his father, Normand.

Evan J’s classmates were likewise disappointed with the results. “When Evan J. told me his parents were sending him  to science camp over the summer, I remember thinking, that makes sense” explained Timmy (the one in Ms. Reynold’s class), “the only direction left to go is up so they might as well try anything at this point. But somehow, it feels like he’s even dumber than before. What a moron.”

Evan J’s lackluster return has been a source of considerable distress for the faculty as well. A group of his former teachers released a statement to the press late last night taking aim at a wide range of people including his parents, member’s of the administration, and DOH officials, and expressing apprehension about the future. “The reptile unit was such an uphill battle with Evan that [Flynn Park Faculty members] are considering just skipping marsupials entirely, and God help us all when we get to the water cycle.”

At press time, Evan J. is reportedly concentrating very hard on trying to remember a cool fact about rocks that’ll “really wow” his classmates.