WASHINGTON – After experimenting with the contraption for days on end, we at the Heckler were able to synthesize the following information about uses for meat thermometers. We came in with high hopes, but, as I’m sure you will be, we were disappointed with the results of our investigation.

Telling time

Not always accurate. The clock-like face of the the thermometer is misleading and it rarely displays satisfactory results unless the time is between 350 and 475. If absolutely necessary, it can serve as a sundial but prepare yourself for a nasty glare.

Bop It!™

Bop it and pull it work fine. Twist it, spin it, and flick it work considerably less well. Bopping should be done with extreme care, as we have found meat thermometers susceptible to damage especially once one gets to the later levels. The lack of verbal cues pose a serious problem as well.

Crocheting

This just might work. Unfortunately, we at the Heckler do not know how to crochet. We tried sewing as a feasible alternative, and while the pointy side of the contraption worked just fine, the big ol’ wide part at the end caused us all kinds of headaches.

Gold Panning

To our knowledge the device was ineffective, however, let it be known that we only excavated 50 feet beneath the ground over which the thermometer beeped. There could still be gold down there.

Telling the Temperature of Meat

Hot meat, cold meat, this baby can do it all.

Coming to Life When you Leave the Room

We don’t have reason to believe that it doesn’t do this. We tried peeking, hidden cameras, and motion sensors but it was pretty clear the thermometer was way too smart for that. For this reason, we remain confident that meat thermometers can become animate, more tests pending.