- Green Book
The cool thing about Green Book was that my wife Jeanine and I got to watch the entire movie without interruption from our deranged neighbor. Honestly, throughout the film’s entire 2 hour 10 minute run-time our neighbor didn’t even make it to our front yard. Did I hear his blood-curdling screams from afar? Of course I did. But all in all, I barely had to worry about him murdering me, and Jeanine (my Wife) loved the film. Eighth place.
- BlacKkKlansman
When my Wife, Jeanine, and I watched BlacKkKlansman things began to get out of hand. I watched most of the film with no interruption, but as the crime thriller reached its dramatic climax, I had to excuse myself from the couch when I noticed my deranged neighbor slowly army crawling up our driveway in broad daylight. I threw a newspaper in his general direction and told him to “scram!” which did the trick, but it was still an inconvenience I would have rather avoided. Seventh place.
- The Favourite
During The Favourite, my deranged neighbor made it all the way up on to our roof. Don’t ask me how because I don’t know, but we certainly heard him stomping around up there making an unacceptable amount of noise. We could barely hear the film for most of the time. It was also during this film that I learned my deranged neighbor’s name, which is Ralph. I learned this after he spent an hour and a half screaming “my name is Ralph and I’m here to murder you” from our rooftop. Sixth place.
- Roma
Ralph made it all the way into our garage by the time Roma finished up. I had gotten up from the couch to get Jeanine a spritzer from the fridge, because she’s my Wife and she loves those things, and when I got to the garage I noticed Ralph was already in there angrily using the elliptical machine. I asked Ralph politely what was up. “Training to murder you,” Ralph replied. Fifth place.
- A Star Is Born
My deranged neighbor whose name is Ralph actually broke into our kitchen while Jeanine and I were watching A Star Is Born. Location-wise, this was the closest Ralph had come to murdering me so far, which is why its coming in at number four. But his plan was to wait around the corner with a frying pan, hoping to clock me in the noggin when I got up for a snack, which failed miserably because I was too engrossed in the film and just had some of Jeanine’s spritzer instead. Fourth place.
- Black Panther
I didn’t get to watch Black Panther at all, but if I’m inferring correctly that it’s about a vicious battle for jungle supremacy among the top predators in the animal kingdom, then my experience battling Ralph in the basement of our home while Jeanine watched Black Panther upstairs makes me think it was probably pretty entertaining. He bit a lot but wasn’t super close to murdering me. Third place.
- Bohemian Rhapsody
During Bohemian Rhapsody my deranged neighbor Ralph actually filled out a tenant application for our spare room upstairs and came in to interview with us while we watched the movie. I recognized him from the six previous times he had tried to break into my house and murder me while I was watching an Oscar-nominated film with my wife Jeanine, but he told us that he was “just looking for a place to stay until he found a job and got back on his feet.” We almost let him rent the spare room, too, until he explained that he wanted the job to buy “weapons that would unerringly assure my immediate demise.” Second place.
- Vice
Here, Ralph broke into my house, murdered me, moved into my house, and married Jeanine, who was my Wife. And it all happened during Vice. Congratulations to Vice.