SAVANNAH, GA–Reflecting on recent years the Grand Marble Staircase noted that it had been absolutely ages since it had last felt the gentle swish of a descending debutante on its steps. When pressed for details the staircase reflected, “My, my well it must’ve been 23? 24? I remember it distinctly because the fashion at the time amongst the girls were these delightful damask gowns. Soft, but with a certain weight that gave this deeply satisfying plombphh as they made their way down each step.”

The staircase continued, unprompted. “You know, I would describe it as magical. That’s right. There was just, a certain joie-de-vivre that people had at that time. Steps were lighter, more graceful nothing like the clunking up and down people do nowadays”. The staircase noted that things really had gone downhill since then, “I understand that the times, they change, but the footwear on these ladies now…horrendous, just atrocious. Not an adorned heel or demure slipper in sight! Ghastly cantankerous plastic molded in ever bulkier shapes! A synthetic toaster enveloping the sweet gentle soles of the young ladies I see. Or worse, tanned animal hides with bushy untreated wool crudely molded into a shapeless boot. And the rubber! Noxious yankee sludge made into squeaking perforated feet cages proudly adorned with images of swamp creatures! Just vile…

        “Speaking of you should see the type of people that are allowed onto my steps now”—INTERVIEW CUT FOR TIME