Speaking out for the first time, representatives of Georgetown Admissions relayed their shock that applicants have been subverting the carefully upheld process of institutionalized bribery for alternative methods.

“Like the rest of you, we were absolutely devastated by this news. As the gatekeepers to the university, we take admissions processes seriously and believed we had set forth clear and easily accessible paths for individuals looking to donate their way into a freshman class,” Said An Admissions Representative. He noted that, while there was no use reading into motives, many on the admissions team had felt this news as a personal affront. “It’s safe to say the trust has been shattered on both sides. Did they not trust us to do our jobs? To find that some of the very parents we had talked to about a new science lab or de-rodented Copley had funneled their money through some backdoor non-profit is frankly just appalling. Institutional Advancement used to mean something.”

An employee of University Development provided background,  “Any candidate who does enter the school through these “backdoor” techniques completely skirts our established requirements and donation minimums. Some of these students’ families weren’t even on our preferred calling list.” He continued, “Above all, we want to reassure those that played by the rules that Georgetown admissions will continue to serve the parents who worked so hard with our offices to find their students’ home at Georgetown.”

At press time, admissions officers could be found commiserating with fellow victims in the Office of Advancement.