CHEVY CHASE, MD – Well this is a bummer. Everyone in Mrs. Thompson’s third grade class was so excited to go to Ethan’s birthday party this Saturday, because he spent all week bragging that there would be Fruit Roll-Ups as a snack at the celebration. Unfortunately, a lot of eight-year-olds are missing out on the sugary treat now that Ethan got hit by a cement truck and died.

Everybody knows Fruit Roll-Ups are one of the best snacks out there, behind only Gushers and Sour Patch Kids, which is why there was so much buzz going around the school about Ethan’s shindig. It was shaping up to be one of the coolest parties in the entire school. But then Ethan went ahead and got himself smushed by a ten-ton concrete making machine, depriving the entire class of the delicious sugary rush which is a Fruit Roll-Up. What a downer.

“I was really looking forward to going to Ethan’s birthday, because my mom makes me eat only healthy snacks at home, so the fact that Ethan died and I can’t have any Fruit Roll-Ups is really a let-down,” says Tommy Milligan, 8. “I know that if my mom said I could have them at my birthday, I wouldn’t put that in jeopardy by playing on the highway.”

Seeing a child robbed of joy is one of the saddest things in the world, and a whole lot of kids are awfully down in the dumps now that they can’t chow down on a Fruit Roll-Up at a superhero themed party this Saturday. All because Ethan had to and get himself absolutely demolished by a 20,000 pound metal behemoth. Way to go, Ethan.