After a lackluster first night of events, the RNC went looking to spice up their lineup. Convention planners went down the typical list of home-run speakers, but in a surprising turn of events, widely-known Republican figures George W Bush, Vietnam veteran John Rambo, and the now-sentient Abraham Lincoln android stored in the White House basement all politely declined.

This open slot remained a problem until RNC chair Ronna Romney McDaniel found a ringer in Dallas. With a hearty “Howdy, folks!” from 55 feet up, Texas State Fair icon Big Tex made it clear he could connect with the average Republican voter, and after a casual corn dog and fried pickle lunch, he agreed to speak at the convention.

Some may question his qualifications, but Big Tex actually has quite the resume. He has been a vital cultural ambassador of the Texas State Fair every year since 1952, never failing to greet visitors with a smile. The only noteworthy disruption to his lengthy career was in 2012, when he sustained a gruesome injury in an electrical fire; shoddy union labor was to blame, if you ask him. After a daunting reconstructive surgery, though, he pulled himself up by the bootstraps and has shown no signs of resulting weakness, a model for wounded Americans everywhere.

But what, you may ask, does he plan to speak about? Some say he’ll argue for the reopening of large social events like college football games and state fairs. Others think he’ll simply smile and wave. He’s not a man of many words, after all. When asked if she was worried about adding him into the lineup so last-minute, RNC Chair McDaniel responded with a smile, “He’s actually the only one we trust to stay on message.”

Undoubtedly, this old, white, big-talking, corporate-sponsored cowboy perfectly represents the modern-day Republican party, but we’re on the edge of our seats to see what he may say. Stay with The Georgetown Heckler for updates.