In a public statement first reported by Financial Times, CNBC, and dozens of awestruck and concerned onlookers this Wednesday, Domino’s Pizza CEO Richard E. Allison, Jr. shocked tasteless, tight-fisted pizza lovers globally. Allison and other top executives delivered the following address from the front steps of the original Domino’s location in Ypsilanti, Michigan:
“Thank you for joining me here at the first Domino’s Pizza location for a very special announcement. These uncertain times have uprooted the industry in unprecedented proportions. When the COVID-19 Pandemic hit, we were among the first delivery chains to implement a contactless ordering system to protect both customers and drivers. For the first time ever, no human interaction, awkward conversation, or sexual tension exists between our consumers and our dedicated delivery personnel. However, we fear that this measure isn’t enough to protect public safety. The issue, you see, well, the issue is that the pie itself is a risk.”
Looking especially bald and white, Allison wiped his shiny brow and continued on.
“Fortunately, the brave pioneers here at Domino’s have derived a solution that cuts out all of the potential points of contamination–from dough making, to baking, to quality checking, to delivery. So, on behalf of Domino’s Pizza Incorporated, I proudly announce our newest service: contentless delivery! Just like contactless delivery, no interpersonal interactions will be necessary in production or purchase. The twist is, there will be no pizza in the box!”
A few half-hearted cheers and nervous chuckles echoed from the growing crowd. Richard E. Allison Jr. began to gesture wildly.
“There will be just a box! With no pizza! And no one will have opened it, you see, no snotty little pizza man will have breathed their nasty germs in that box, it will be vacuum sealed! It’s perfectly safe! We are the ONLY 100% COVID safe pizza delivery company in the WORLD! No one else would ever do this! We are the pioneers! We are the masons of a new history! In the face of a pandemic, what else would you do? Not order pizza? Not get delivery? Get DiGiorno? HAH! I bring to you a new era of delivery services! A new beginning. Rise and see the TRUTH! ”
Allison, sweating profusely and swearing, was quickly dragged from the infamous steps in Ypsilanti. Domino’s (DPZ on the New York Stock Exchange) was up 6.98% this morning, and consumers report that this is the best Domino’s pizza they’ve ever tasted.