1. Go to Old Mrs. McCreary’s House
This is a good option because all the neighborhood kids know to avoid mean old Mrs. McCreary’s house. It’s the big old ramshackled thing on the hill with ivy advancing up its yellow sides, always dark save a candle in the front room. Jackson Hughes swears he heard cackling and chanting from up there two summers ago right before he left for camp. No kid in their right mind since Tommy Weizenbock , who, in fairness to him, was new to the neighborhood and didn’t know no better, would ever go up there regardless of the degree of dog-dare. So kick it with McCreary and you’re sure to see no hide nor hair of any sugared up tweens. Only drawbacks: we don’t know for sure if Mrs. McCreary isn’t, in fact, an evil witch and all indications from Jackson, Tommy, et al suggest that she might be so you could be getting yourself into a whole different kind of trouble. Another possible scenario is that the old bat developed her reputation, and might I say deservedly so, for giving out 3 Musketeers on past Halloweens. You’d surely want to avoid being stuck up there with her and them. Lastly, given Mrs. McCreary’s advanced age, you could be dangerously exposing her to a lethal virus from which she has responsibly been isolating.
2. Take the non-conductive plastic covering off of your doorbell.
Call this one extreme, I’ll just call it efficient. If any chocolate-breathed ragamuffin even tries to loiter on your doorstep, they’ll get 10 milliwatts right to the index finger. That ought to teach them. The experiment is tried and true among rats (note – if scientists tried the rat-food-shock experiment with 3 Musketeers, the rats would learn that much faster), so why not bring it to these candy fiending costumed rugrats? Shock them and they’ll go away. Only drawbacks: some weird kids will like the sensation maybe and keep going. Like I know my brother Liam when he was little used to love the gum shock gag and would just hold onto that shock inducing strip of aluminum for minutes on end. If there are any Liams, you could be in hot water. Also if they can prove in court that you harmed schoolchildren on purpose, this might be a crime.
3. Leave a cauldron of candies out front with a “Please Take One” note and then don’t refill it.
If the very first kid doesn’t tip over your bucket and empty it into their pillowcase while licking their lips and laughing mischievously then I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. Either that or you got excited and used tip 4 in congruence with tip 3. So you’ll have an empty bucket all night and a bunch of sulking brats moping back to the curb empty handed. This is a safe route in general, yes, but you’ll have to mind a few things. First make sure your cauldron is at a safe distance. Second, if you’re not careful, you may just have an angry mob of entitled guttersnipes trying to break down your door for a cauldron refill. This is the worst case scenario. If you fear this might happen, consider taking steps 1, 2, or 4.
4. Hand Out 3 Musketeers
Slip these gross little nougat capsules through the mail slot. Every single anklebiter that dares rap on your door will leave immeasurably disappointed and they’ll tell their posse to avoid your house. You’ll have a generation-long reputation of being the lame candy house, but that may be the safest thing for right now.
