SESAME STREET – In a move unforeseen by the Sesame Street Fandom, Oscar the Grouch has officially quit the cast of Sesame Street to become a homeless rights advocate following an incident on set last week. This news came in a press conference last Friday when PBS spokesperson Erika Dinkle clarified the inciting event. Apparently, Mr Grouch stormed off set, tired of jokes about how nasty he smelled and that the lice growing in his fur was infecting the children. Dinkle concluded by stating that “His temperament was expected, but the legs? God, no one could have predicted that. We had been trying to keep those a secret for the sake of the children.”
Those in the studio audience could be heard audibly gasping and clutching their purses in a leaked tape of the incident. “No, we didn’t think he was going to steal our money, you fools. It was sexual arousal,” stated Susan, mother of 3. His legs, Susan continued, “Went on for days. I had to cover my husband’s eyes just in case.” Kathy, mother of 2, affirmed Susan’s message, stating, “I never knew hairy legs could look so good. Maybe I should stop shaving too.” Others have spoken out against PBS for allowing such a heinous display of sexuality to appear on the set of a children’s show. No follow-up comments from Dinkle or PBS have been made.
Mr Grouch’s manager, Philip Goodrigle, stated that Mr Grouch’s plans are not set in stone, but that he has connections across the city and “knows how to get what he wants”. In a quote caught by one of our on-the-scene reporters, Mr Grouch stated, “When you’ve been on the streets this long, you’ve seen some shit. The Mafia? I know ‘em. Cuomo? You bet your ass I’ve seen him in places a man should never be.” He continued, “Sooner or later, the homeless will be running this city and it’s all because of me. Them folks deserve rights more than you, you weird, short man.” Mr Grouch then went on to pick up his trash can and run away on those, long, long legs.
What does the future holds for Mr Grouch? Only time may tell. But is activism the right field? Or is modelling his destiny?