GEORGETOWN – The first annual meeting of the Campus Know-Nothing Party, a student group devoted to combatting the influence of foreign religious orders, enforcing temperance, and agitating for presidential candidate Millard Fillmore, has raised the possibility that Georgetown University has been infiltrated by agents of the Romanist world conspiracy.

Present at this meeting was sophomore Horatio Clayton Scudder Chilton-Holmes, who states that he was “horrified” to discover what the name of his dorm building, JesRes, actually stood for, and adds that ever since this stunning revelation came to light, he has been scouring the Hilltop campus for conspiratorial signs.

Additionally, from the many Campus Know-Nothing flyers posted around Red Square, our sources have learned that whole University departments might be controlled by the Jesuit menace – though the Department of Theology and Religious Studies is probably safe. In addition, we have learned that Yates Field House is run by the Freemasons, that there is a secret student cabal of Irish-Americans, and that the Illuminati has been controlling the University for decades.

The Heckler reached out to the Georgetown branch of the Irish-Romanist-Freemason-Illuminati, which convenes Wednesdays at 3:30 AM in ICC 202, and asked them to confirm or deny these allegations. Illuminati representative Antichristine MacGregor, a junior at the MSB, replied that “there is no evidence whatsoever that Georgetown even has Jesuits,” and also, seemingly pre-emptively, disclaimed that there was no University dark money funding from Turkmen oil barons, no subterranean colony of mole people, no Aztec human sacrifices occurring in the underground floors of Lau, no secret third campus in Panama City, and no clandestine plan to calcify students’ pineal glands with fluoridated water. She also offered a statement on behalf of the Mole People that they accept Leo’s leftovers through any stormwater grate on campus.