Jon Lurman (MSB ‘22) was spotted looking up from his GoogleCal for the first time in over a week when a friend inquired as to his persisting virginity. “It’s not that I’m not a sexual being,” Lurman retorted whilst editing the cover page on his resume, “it’s that I’m too busy to be one right now.” The unnamed friend made an expression of incomprehension to which Lurman quipped, “I’m not super Catholic or anything, my religion right now is Microsoft Excel, you know?” The friend in question appeared not to know, and an aggravated Lurman began a rant which was graciously recorded by a nearby Heckler contributor:

“Look, buddy. I would’ve lost it my freshman year, but I had club applications and the GUSIF interviews are no joke, ok? And then sophomore year I was interviewing for jobs, well, not real jobs, but for internships, that could lead into jobs. Ever heard of a return offer? Yeah, of course not, you’re a Justice and Peace Studies major. Anyways, I was TBTF (too busy to fuck, the Heckler infers). Junior year I took Business Ethics and had a paid online internship at Big Sioux Wealth Management. Paid. Uh huh. So forgive me if I’m not “drowning in pussy” but I’m drowning in bank right now.”

The aforementioned friend interrupted Lurman’s tirade and joked that Lurman was “too busy grinding to actually grind on someone.” With that comment, Lurman decided to text the only girl in his Managerial Accounting class and ask if she wanted to join him on Lau 2 to balance accounts together.