RED SQUARE – Yikes! Most of the student body was confused and made to feel at least a bit icky upon entering Red Square this past week, as GU Right to Life once again spent their free time writing odd, cryptic messages on the ground instead of, say, preventing abortions by giving out condoms, helping people get access to birth control, or advocating for comprehensive sex education. 

Other, more proactive students found this occasion a wonderful time to bust out their shoes with mops on the bottom, which they purchased from a TV advertisement in 2011. “I knew it wasn’t a waste of money. Take that, Mom!” said Greg Gregley, zooming around Red Square with wet, sloppy mops on his feet, slowly erasing the writing on the ground. 

Other students had more positive outlooks on the situation, especially the offer for free babysitting. One new mother told the Heckler  that “this basically covers all the costs of being a mother, thanks everyone, I’m all good now.” While this woman did not want to be identified, she also notified us that she planned on sending all bills related to her new child to the club, knowing that they would, of course, cover them all. 

Others found more creative uses for the free babysitting service. “I just dress my roommate up as a baby and hand him over to them so I can have sex in the room. I don’t tell him what I’m doing so he usually just talks to them about lacrosse for an hour and then I go pick him up,” said John Keller, a sophomore in the College. Our initial research seems to suggest that Keller’s roommate may be responsible for Right to Life chalk that read “Babies love lacrosse” next to a crude drawing of a fetus holding a lacrosse stick. Our sources are not sure how they fell for this ruse.