Traditions Day was last week, and we still have absolutely no idea what to make of the mysterious man spotted playing a fiddle on the roof of White-Gravenor, nor what he’s supposed to convey, indicate, or symbolize. He did not respond to our pleas to “get down, please, that’s not a flat roof, you’re going to fall.”
The White-Gravenor fiddler remains an enigma, so, while investigating this story, we also took time this Traditions Day to reflect on what tradition really means. Because of our traditions, we’ve kept our balance for many, many years. Here in Anatev- wait, sorry, here on the Hilltop, we have traditions for everything: how to sleep, how to eat, how to work, how to pass exams. For instance, we never touch the Georgetown Seal when we walk, and every day on the last day of classes, we always show up drunk. This shows our constant devotion to alcoholism. You may ask, how did this tradition get started? I’ll tell you. I don’t know. But it’s a tradition! We at The Heckler also held interviews with the staff and student body here, to understand what being a member of campus means for them.
We asked a biology professor to explain what Georgetown’s traditions mean for her, and she responded: “Who, day and night, must scramble for a living? Feed a wife and children, mark her students’ work? And who has the right, as master of the class, to have the final word on grades? The professoooooor! Tradition!”
We were a little taken aback by the choice to set all this to song, but nonetheless, we were undeterred. Next, we found Jake, an RA, and asked him to explain his role on campus. He responded, “Who must know the way to make a proper home? A quiet home, a kosher home? Who must watch the students and run the home, so they don’t die or get arrested? The RA! Tradition!”
“Wait, kosher?” our reporters at The Heckler asked.
“Huh? No clue what you’re talking about.” Said Jake, looking confused.
In addition, we found a student here, Dinesh (COL ‘23), and interviewed him. “At three I started SAT prep, at ten I got an internship! I hear they picked a grad school for me, I hope I get in! The studeeeeeent! Tradition!”
Okay, this was all starting to seem very weird, so we stopped. At least we know now that the Georgetown community values its traditions! That’s good, right? However, in the days since, additional strange occurrences have been sighted on campus, such as kick-dancing Cossacks, prophetic dreams, the opening of a student matchmaking service, and the sudden outbreak of the 1905 Revolution. We’re not really sure what to make of all this, but we’ll keep you all posted for additional developments in this deeply perplexing story!