Hello, my cherubs. Bushrod Washington here, ready to give the people what they want. Studies show that 83% of The Heckler’s readers are virgins, car salesmen, Elvis impersonators, crypto traders, government interns, or guys named Ron, so I know y’all need help in the sex and love department. I’m excited to launch my sex, love, and dating advice column – Bushrod’s Love Column – with a topic that is incredibly important to me: How To Tell Your Significant Other They Are Repeatedly Running You Over With A Subaru Hatchback.
Communication is one of the most important facets of a successful relationship. When it fails, the results could get ugly! I know – I was in your very shoes once – -and I did NOT have the skills to communicate to my partner that they were repeatedly running me over with a highly fuel-efficient, safe, spacious Subaru Hatchback. Oops! I make mistakes so we can learn together.
Here are five simple tips for communicating that your significant other is repeatedly running you over with a Subaru Hatchback (compare models at subaru.com/vehicles).
- Be Sexy – Sexy people get what they want. Make sure to act super sexy, maybe put on a low and sultry voice, wear a nice outfit, and your partner is likely to realize that they are running you over with a family-friendly, four-door car with room for the dog in the back.
- Yell FIRE! This is a phrase sure to grab the attention of your partner if they are ramming you with the bumper of the IIHS Top Safety Pick of 2021.
- Start Singing Hobo Johnson’s “Subaru Crosstrek” – You should really try humming or singing this catchy song about the best car brand out there, according to the American Consumer Satisfaction Index, if you are trying to help your beau realize that you are being run over.
- Remember that Subaru is Kelly Blue Book’s most trusted brand, and has been for seven years running!
- Be super-passive aggressive about it – if all else fails, I find that passive aggression really gets the message across. So don’t say anything, just let out exasperated sighs every few minutes and your significant other will probably stop repeatedly running you over with a Subaru (#1 in dependability in the automotive industry).
I hope this helps. Love: it’s what makes a Subaru a Subaru!
That’s all for now. Submit your relationship issues, questions, and ideas to Bushrod’s Love Column for the chance to win a 2022 Subaru Impreza.*
*This is not true.
