TUESDAY – Georgetown has yet to release the names of the 2 students (originally 3 students (originally 4 students (originally 5 students))) who succumbed to hypothermia while trying to find their way to Trader Joe’s last weekend. Witnesses report that they are “shocked” by the discovery of their campsite in Whitehaven Community Garden, with two members of the Village A crew in the grips of hypothermia and another three having already been butchered and eaten. Forensic experts have expressed their shock that the situation degenerated so fast, with the students having been missing for only one night; our public health experts maintain that “it was completely unnecessary to start eating people.” This has ignited debate across campus about the root causes of such behavior: is Leo’s food really so bad that cannibalism is a better first resort?

However, others at Georgetown have highlighted that this situation was unfortunate but not unforeseeable. The undisclosed members of the Village A Donner Party were members of a fraternity, and showed signs of several risk factors, such as a predilection to wear shorts at any time of the year, a complete lack of foraging skills or a sense of direction, and a psychological difficulty sharing blankets or clothes for warmth without disclaiming first that they were “not gay.”

Though these students’ names have not been released, it has been revealed that all five were students in the School of Foreign Service. Few have been surprised by this revelation, with many commenting that “it’s such an SFS thing to do to start eating people,” and “yeah, that checks out,” with one current SFS student even defending their actions as “completely politically rational” and started citing Hobbes’s Leviathan as evidence that life in the state of nature – by which she means the state of Whitehaven Community Garden – is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short, and therefore cannibalism-

Moving on, at least one of the two surviving members of the Donner Party has been resuscitated at the University Hospital. We assumed that he would not be in a state to offer comment yet, but he was adamant about getting reporters to note that “Joe tasted fucking awful, like seriously wack, the other two were okay though.”

Actual residents of Georgetown have been puzzled by these occurrences, noting that they “offered directions to those boys several times.” Given that even colder weather is yet on the horizon, we implore everyone to review the area of Washington D.C., start wearing warm-weather clothes, and only go out with friends who would not kill and eat you at a moment’s notice.