Russian President Vladimir Putin shocked the world Wednesday when he suddenly and inexplicably recalled Russian troops from two separatist enclaves in Ukraine’s eastern frontier only days after deploying them.

The move baffled policy makers and analysts, who expected an imminent, full-scale invasion of the country. Those who sought an explanation for the retreat were left disappointed for days, as Russian state media and government spokespeople went quiet for almost a week.

Putin then clarified his rationale in a series of bass-heavy messages programmed onto a Stem Player.

“My decision to attack Ukraine was borne of a decades-old desire to reassert Russian regional dominance over its perceived sphere of influence,” Putin mused. “Our invasion plan was the product of meticulous planning and calculations. Yet I realized all of this meant nothing when I read the incisive, if slightly wordy analysis of Christopher Donofrio (SFS’25) of New Jersey, USA. I was wrong, and he proved it.”

He continued, “The Honorable Donofrio made me appreciate the ‘juxtaposition’ of the ‘matter at hand’ and the threats to the ‘imperative institutionalization’ of the ‘rules based international order’ that my invasion posed. No one told me this!”

Days after publishing the message, Putin shared a photo of himself lounging shirtless in his office chair kissing a copy of The Caravel.