This article was transmitted through Morse code out of a Lau 4 study room.

The Heckler has only sent out war correspondents twice in the past: once for Iraq in 2008 to throw those shoes at George Bush and once for the special forces raid on The Caravel’s cache of WMDs in 2019. I, Obadiah Benton McFadden, am honored to be The Heckler’s third war correspondent and, once the Lau Secret Police find me, its thirtieth staff member to die in glorious resistance. The new GUSA executives are advocating for an innovative dorm safety policy: creating teams to scan hallways at night. All able-bodied members of the Georgetown University community, regardless of class or status, are now called on to defend GUSA’s glorious new values of full-sends, classism, and going to class hungover.

The last few days have been hell on earth. Mobs of students dressed in comically-matching outfits go door-to-door to coerce allegiance to the new GUSA junta. Various tarps, flags, and banners are rolling out over the windows of every residence hall on campus, all with different designs for new militias and paramilitaries. The French Floor in Arrupe has hoisted several flags of Vichy France, the Texas flag on Harbin 8 stands strong, and the Vil A balconies have valiantly defended their “Saturdays Are for the Boys” banners. Students wearing yellow from Kennedy 6 are clashing outside Leo’s with students wearing black from VCW 4, and the GUPD offices have been emptied and their paperwork has been used for trash fires. There will never be peace here.

Alas, they’re knocking on my door! I think they intercepted this transmission. They’ll never take me alive! Vive la Heckler!